Break Break Down.....

I had a minor breakdown last night... This is the first time I've written anything in a while... I don't post this to get pity or sympathy..I have enough for myself at this moment for the rest of my life. I don't post it either to ask for justification for my feelings.  This just is what it is...

My soul is aching...it’s crying out in a way that has not happened in a long time. A man has opened a wound I thought healed but there was really just a band-aid there and he ripped it off and it’s almost like new again...

How weak am I that an ounce of attention could cause me to lose my grip like this. The offer was nothing more then physical and yet it was so hard to refuse.

I tried to laugh it off, to make light of it. And in some instances it was quite comical, but I can’t ignore the heaviness and anxiety I feel.

Was it a test from our Lord, a temptation from the evil one?

This in the midst of a battle for purity that I have been losing lately... and this brief moment of attention has exposed just how desperate, no thirsty I really am.

Have I been in denial this whole time? Pushing these feelings away, so now the lord is allowing them to surface so I can deal with them?

I don’t want to deal with them! It hurts and the pain in my chest and the anxiety that reels from deep with in me is almost unbearable... I am lost...

And I know I cannot do this alone and I long for another human to share this with, but none can be found...

There is only the Lord and although I know of his abounding love, I cannot always feel it. Mentally I know I need nothing else but the physical and emotional want or need, or urge, whatever, it is, is so strong that I dream of those from the past coming back and me being happy about it, when I know all they would really bring me is suffering

But to have that feeling again, to be loved and wanted by a man... it is tempting. It is tempting to fool myself again, that someone who truly and truthfully only offers the physical, that this person could change and want more after.

I want to give into this fairy-tale image of the beast turning into the prince I have always wanted. It is too easy to give in to this again.

I must constantly remind myself how the last beasts have remained beasts and some of them Far worse then I imagined them to be...

Perhaps if I got my prayer life together  and started attending daily mass again, it would help...

I sometimes wish to go back to the beginning when I first chose this life I was able to refuse more easily then...

But it wasn’t me, I know the Lord has shielded me from my past... from so many temptations that I would have given in to.

But some of that shield has been lowered... I pray I persevere...that I can remember the Lord of Love and his love for me, will surpass any pleasure any man might offer to me... pray for me, for strength, for my weakness...for the rejection I feel...