Break Break Down.....

I had a minor breakdown last night... This is the first time I've written anything in a while... I don't post this to get pity or sympathy..I have enough for myself at this moment for the rest of my life. I don't post it either to ask for justification for my feelings.  This just is what it is...

My soul is aching...it’s crying out in a way that has not happened in a long time. A man has opened a wound I thought healed but there was really just a band-aid there and he ripped it off and it’s almost like new again...

How weak am I that an ounce of attention could cause me to lose my grip like this. The offer was nothing more then physical and yet it was so hard to refuse.

I tried to laugh it off, to make light of it. And in some instances it was quite comical, but I can’t ignore the heaviness and anxiety I feel.

Was it a test from our Lord, a temptation from the evil one?

This in the midst of a battle for purity that I have been losing lately... and this brief moment of attention has exposed just how desperate, no thirsty I really am.

Have I been in denial this whole time? Pushing these feelings away, so now the lord is allowing them to surface so I can deal with them?

I don’t want to deal with them! It hurts and the pain in my chest and the anxiety that reels from deep with in me is almost unbearable... I am lost...

And I know I cannot do this alone and I long for another human to share this with, but none can be found...

There is only the Lord and although I know of his abounding love, I cannot always feel it. Mentally I know I need nothing else but the physical and emotional want or need, or urge, whatever, it is, is so strong that I dream of those from the past coming back and me being happy about it, when I know all they would really bring me is suffering

But to have that feeling again, to be loved and wanted by a man... it is tempting. It is tempting to fool myself again, that someone who truly and truthfully only offers the physical, that this person could change and want more after.

I want to give into this fairy-tale image of the beast turning into the prince I have always wanted. It is too easy to give in to this again.

I must constantly remind myself how the last beasts have remained beasts and some of them Far worse then I imagined them to be...

Perhaps if I got my prayer life together  and started attending daily mass again, it would help...

I sometimes wish to go back to the beginning when I first chose this life I was able to refuse more easily then...

But it wasn’t me, I know the Lord has shielded me from my past... from so many temptations that I would have given in to.

But some of that shield has been lowered... I pray I persevere...that I can remember the Lord of Love and his love for me, will surpass any pleasure any man might offer to me... pray for me, for strength, for my weakness...for the rejection I feel...

Call me hypocrite #1

I'm often called a hypocrite... Well actually not to my face and I’m sure it’s more often than I could imagine since I am a never married single mom who is involved in my Church. But besides that every time people call pro-lifers hypocrites and those who actually believe the teachings of the Catholic Church hypocrites... Well they’re talking about me. And in reality I am because I'm a sinner but I at least recognize or at least strive to recognize my faults and strive to find truth even if it's hard to bear and may require me to change. I also like logic... And live my life out to live out the logic I believe in... However, I am most baffled and saddened by a certain group of people... those who scream #blacklivesmatter & in the next breath #standwithPP or #abortionwithoutapology...

 

I Dated a Pimp...

A couple weeks ago the Sunday Gospel was from Mk 5:21-43. I'd like to focus on the story of the little girl who was brought back to life. As I sat in Mass and listened to the readings and the homily the thought came to me. I was that dead little girl!

So once upon a time I dated a pimp...Like a real one... He didn't wear fur coats or have a cane (at least not when he was with me). I was in grad school and I spotted this handsome guy across the IHOP after a night of bar hopping and gave him the come hither look or as I like to call it the hungry eyes... I went over and talked to him and we started seeing each other.

The Storm

A friend of mine recently said that he wished he knew what to do to make the storm in his life end. And since then I've been thinking about that statement a lot, because I myself am in a storm and ask God to relieve me of the things that I struggle with as well. And I've come to the conclusion that the storm will probably never end. we may get relief from one struggle but another will come after.

Meeting Jesus in the Garden

Meeting Jesus in the Garden

About 4 years ago I had the most beautiful encounter with Christ. I was in the depths of a loneliness that physically hurt.  I remember laying on the couch as my 4 year old daughter watched TV and a dam that I had built to ignore what I was feeling broke. Both the emotional and physical pain in my chest was intense, and as I laid there crying talking to Jesus about it offering up this pain, I felt a profound connection to Christ at that point as if I was by his side in the Garden of Gethsemane.

All through lent that year I was in this internal battle...it was not a serene and happy lent for me... About two months before lent I had a dream...A friend of mine brought me a boyfriend (literally she brought someone for me)  a very attractive and nice guy...in the dream my friend told me he was for me but I was in denial that he would ever like me so I just pretended not to be interested...and then my friend told me what's wrong with you be nice...so I was and we hit it off...well at one point in the dream the guy (i never caught his name haha), my friend, and others were sitting on a hill for a picnic or something then these teenagers started throwing rocks at us so the guy got up and wanted to talk to the kids because he wanted to try and help them...well everyone ran away but he stayed and then disappeared...he may have been hurt by the kids, (at least that what it felt like) I'm not sure but he was gone and then I work up.

The Wedding at Cana...a meditation with the Holy Spirit

The Wedding at Cana

Many times when meditating on the scriptures regarding the wedding at Cana we focus only on Jesus changing water into wine, which is an amazing thing. It was the first miracle he performed after his temptation in the desert, his mother is shown interceding for the first time, and it brings awareness to his disicples of who he is.

But the "smaller" details of this event are just as interesting and important as the miracle itself. As it should be since the little details are just as much The Word of God as are the big miracles and what we see as obvious. I heard many times that everything in the bible has a purpose, every detail is placed there for a reason...so as I was praying the rosary some details of this particular miracle jumped out at me.

I remember reading once that Jesus had a great sense of humor. His parables often times directed at the Pharisees, compared them or eluded to them being the same as people they saw as lowly.

Karaoke & Jesus

There was this one time when I went to a bar for kraoke and Jesus spoke to me...

My Background....

I first realized the music I was listening to was distracting me from Christ while I was reading a book called Discovering Catholicism by Matthew Kelley. I remember reading a passage that said, and Im paraphrasing here, if you want to see what a person worships look at what they have on the walls of their house, what movies they own, and the music they listen to. So I took an inventory of these things and very little of what I owned had anything to do with Christ. Here I was presenting myself as his disciple yet where was he? Anyone observing me probably would not have been able to tell I was a Christian, besides the fact that I went to mass on Sundays.

Now partly because of the type of personality I have and because I had a hard time figuring out what music really wasn't bad,  I went all out and quit all the music I had in my library. I threw away the CD's and deleted the songs I knew for sure were  not right but there was some music I really wasn't sure about. Some of it seemed alright but was associated with past actions that I didn't want to re-live and I was really having a hard time deciding just which music was really ok to listen to. So it all went.