Meeting Jesus in the Garden

Meeting Jesus in the Garden

About 4 years ago I had the most beautiful encounter with Christ. I was in the depths of a loneliness that physically hurt.  I remember laying on the couch as my 4 year old daughter watched TV and a dam that I had built to ignore what I was feeling broke. Both the emotional and physical pain in my chest was intense, and as I laid there crying talking to Jesus about it offering up this pain, I felt a profound connection to Christ at that point as if I was by his side in the Garden of Gethsemane.

All through lent that year I was in this internal battle...it was not a serene and happy lent for me... About two months before lent I had a dream...A friend of mine brought me a boyfriend (literally she brought someone for me)  a very attractive and nice guy...in the dream my friend told me he was for me but I was in denial that he would ever like me so I just pretended not to be interested...and then my friend told me what's wrong with you be nice...so I was and we hit it off...well at one point in the dream the guy (i never caught his name haha), my friend, and others were sitting on a hill for a picnic or something then these teenagers started throwing rocks at us so the guy got up and wanted to talk to the kids because he wanted to try and help them...well everyone ran away but he stayed and then disappeared...he may have been hurt by the kids, (at least that what it felt like) I'm not sure but he was gone and then I work up.

The Wedding at Cana...a meditation with the Holy Spirit

The Wedding at Cana

Many times when meditating on the scriptures regarding the wedding at Cana we focus only on Jesus changing water into wine, which is an amazing thing. It was the first miracle he performed after his temptation in the desert, his mother is shown interceding for the first time, and it brings awareness to his disicples of who he is.

But the "smaller" details of this event are just as interesting and important as the miracle itself. As it should be since the little details are just as much The Word of God as are the big miracles and what we see as obvious. I heard many times that everything in the bible has a purpose, every detail is placed there for a reason...so as I was praying the rosary some details of this particular miracle jumped out at me.

I remember reading once that Jesus had a great sense of humor. His parables often times directed at the Pharisees, compared them or eluded to them being the same as people they saw as lowly.

Karaoke & Jesus

There was this one time when I went to a bar for kraoke and Jesus spoke to me...

My Background....

I first realized the music I was listening to was distracting me from Christ while I was reading a book called Discovering Catholicism by Matthew Kelley. I remember reading a passage that said, and Im paraphrasing here, if you want to see what a person worships look at what they have on the walls of their house, what movies they own, and the music they listen to. So I took an inventory of these things and very little of what I owned had anything to do with Christ. Here I was presenting myself as his disciple yet where was he? Anyone observing me probably would not have been able to tell I was a Christian, besides the fact that I went to mass on Sundays.

Now partly because of the type of personality I have and because I had a hard time figuring out what music really wasn't bad,  I went all out and quit all the music I had in my library. I threw away the CD's and deleted the songs I knew for sure were  not right but there was some music I really wasn't sure about. Some of it seemed alright but was associated with past actions that I didn't want to re-live and I was really having a hard time deciding just which music was really ok to listen to. So it all went.

My Beef With Contraception Part 3

Part 3

In this post I will go a bit deeper into the link with breast cancer, talk about another issue that is rarely ever brought up, and then an alternative.

I left off last time with my disgust for what we currently call women's health. You can find the first two posts on this subject here #1 and here #2.  I feel like it is such a rip off and and such a falsehood to call it health care when all it is, is a cover up. Literally BC only treats the symptoms and not the causes of women's health issues. And many women will defend it because it has lessened their pain and other symptoms, BUT YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!. You deserve a treatment that will find the cause of the issues and treat the cause not just fill your body with cancer causing hormones.

I mentioned in a previous post that the World Health Organization has listed BCP as a group 1 carcinogen...take a look at the other substances on the list here. But to give you a preview we see substance like: Asbestos, coal gasification and formeldyhyde. And yet if you read articles about it causing cancer from people who want women to take BC they say it's not a big deal it only shows a small increase in breast cancer or they say the research isn't clear or that there are other benefits that outweigh the risks.

From the documentation I have found from the Mayo Clinic it is clear that there is a link between breast cancer and BC use. Especially when taken for 4 or more years before full term pregnancy.  The study I linked to specifically points out one study that found these women have 72% increased chance of developing breast cancer...and yet on the Mayo clinic's own Q&A section they say the link between breast cancer and the pill is unclear. Really?? 72% is unclear.....SMH (shaking my head)

I was taught that taking BC regulates peoples periods for those who have abnormal ones... however in reality it doesn't regulate it, it creates a false one! Our periods have to do with our ability to have children. BC takes that ability away. I am so frustrated and angry and saddened by all these lies and deceptions.. But these next reasons are what truly hurt my heart the most.

My Beef With Contraception Part 2

My Beef With Contraception and the people who make it, test it & push it

Part 2

My last post ended by letting you know that I no longer take birth control pills. Well I also no longer have sex with people I am not married to. I am single by the way and I have been living a chaste lifestyle for 5 yrs now. Woohoo! A major milestone that most ppl who knew me before would probably have a hard time believing. And guess what I didn't die, or explode, or anything else! But I digress.

A while back I went in for my annual womanly MD visit. This was my first time at this office, but to my happy surprise the nurse was the mother of an old highschool friend. The happiness did not last long. As I am sure is standard practice I was asked if I was there for birth control. I declined, the nurse then asks me a bit surprised are you sure and I assured her I did not want any. She then offers me condoms & again I decline. Through the whole intake process never once was I even asked if I was sexually active. So during the pre MD process I was offered some sort of contraceptive 3 times

My Beef with Contraception. Part 1 - My History

PART I
What's my history???

 I spent several years away from the Church living a life of "freedom",  but it wasn't until I began to learn about Jesus and his Church that not only did I find my way but I also found truth & light. My time away from the Church did not grant me real freedom but was really a time of alot of darkness. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all bad, I met some amazing people and had amazing experiences but there was always a darkness. With all that said this is s three part series of posts, this series isn't specifically about the Church's teaching on contraception, but more of my journey. But if you are interested in learning about the Church's teaching on contraception your can find it here. or here.

Soooo, on with the show. I did not always strive to follow Christ. But, I do remember being close to him in 8th grade and then gradually slipping away as I became more involved with boys. After high school my relationship with him was pretty cold. I'd go to Church sometimes throughout college but was detached because of the lifestyle I was choosing to live and I knew that lifestyle went against every moral teaching I had ever been taught, so I kept my distance.

All In...

There was a time in my life when a relationship with God seemed weird and impossible. Even now there are days I feel so distant and alone. 

 

But then I have days like today, when I go to Adoration and have a full out conversation with my Lord. 

 

I didn't hear a voice in fact it was mostly quiet.... I just typed the words that came to my heart... And what happened was beautiful, real, and emotional. 

 

I have issues with intimacy and vulnerability but the lord has blessed me with this mind and the ideas that come with it... It's time to come out of the shadows and share what's in this brain of mine. (the song Bring em Out byt TI popped into mind as I was writing this)   And since I'm a pretty much an either I'm all in or I'm all out sort of person, I'm  sharing this with the world (or at least the 5 people who will read this)...so for this first post I give you the conversation I had today:

 

Why is rejection such a hard thing to deal with? Why all the anxiety and heartache? Does one person's no define you? Does a no from many make you less of who you are? How could you ever be less then my child...and how could you be more? I made you perfect, flaws and all...do not look to the world or any man for what perfection is..look in the mirror. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. 

I have given you gifts beyond measure...why do hide them? Why do you lock them up? If you are rejected because of your gifts shake out your sandals, because I have sent you on this mission. My love.

 

You're love is consoling and abounding. Help me to know you, to love you above all things. Guide my footsteps Lord fill me with the spirit...it's been so long...help me to let you in. No man could fulfill the hole in my heart that yearns for you...no luxury will suffice. 

My will is weak I need your strength. I cannot do this without you...help me to remember...lead me, show me the way to your heart, to your everlasting love. Come closer.

Have Mercy on my transgressions...keep me from falling again, never leave my side.

Let me walk this road with you, I want to be your guide. Stay the path I lead you on, have no fear my child.

What road do I take I feel so blind...

One step at a time you will find...

I don't want to let anyone down, yet I know you are all I want to see, I'm tired and ragged please console me...hold me in your arms I cannot feel you here. I pour out my heart to you yet I feel no reprieve this life I did not sign up for, the loneliness doesn't cease...what did I do wrong...is this feeling right? 

I cannot bear this pain..bury it inside of me...too deep for this wound too heal...

I want to quit but I know that's not the right thing to do... You hold my hand in my plight you cover me from all these shadows. I feel your hope running through my veins the warmth of your embrace...the reality of you light shines on my face.