All In...

There was a time in my life when a relationship with God seemed weird and impossible. Even now there are days I feel so distant and alone. 

 

But then I have days like today, when I go to Adoration and have a full out conversation with my Lord. 

 

I didn't hear a voice in fact it was mostly quiet.... I just typed the words that came to my heart... And what happened was beautiful, real, and emotional. 

 

I have issues with intimacy and vulnerability but the lord has blessed me with this mind and the ideas that come with it... It's time to come out of the shadows and share what's in this brain of mine. (the song Bring em Out byt TI popped into mind as I was writing this)   And since I'm a pretty much an either I'm all in or I'm all out sort of person, I'm  sharing this with the world (or at least the 5 people who will read this)...so for this first post I give you the conversation I had today:

 

Why is rejection such a hard thing to deal with? Why all the anxiety and heartache? Does one person's no define you? Does a no from many make you less of who you are? How could you ever be less then my child...and how could you be more? I made you perfect, flaws and all...do not look to the world or any man for what perfection is..look in the mirror. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. 

I have given you gifts beyond measure...why do hide them? Why do you lock them up? If you are rejected because of your gifts shake out your sandals, because I have sent you on this mission. My love.

 

You're love is consoling and abounding. Help me to know you, to love you above all things. Guide my footsteps Lord fill me with the spirit...it's been so long...help me to let you in. No man could fulfill the hole in my heart that yearns for you...no luxury will suffice. 

My will is weak I need your strength. I cannot do this without you...help me to remember...lead me, show me the way to your heart, to your everlasting love. Come closer.

Have Mercy on my transgressions...keep me from falling again, never leave my side.

Let me walk this road with you, I want to be your guide. Stay the path I lead you on, have no fear my child.

What road do I take I feel so blind...

One step at a time you will find...

I don't want to let anyone down, yet I know you are all I want to see, I'm tired and ragged please console me...hold me in your arms I cannot feel you here. I pour out my heart to you yet I feel no reprieve this life I did not sign up for, the loneliness doesn't cease...what did I do wrong...is this feeling right? 

I cannot bear this pain..bury it inside of me...too deep for this wound too heal...

I want to quit but I know that's not the right thing to do... You hold my hand in my plight you cover me from all these shadows. I feel your hope running through my veins the warmth of your embrace...the reality of you light shines on my face.